EPILOGUE

Judith died peacefully at 11:20 PM yesterday, January 22, her mother Gerry at her side, holding her hand. Her dear children Greg and Jessica were there with us as well. She was surrounded by her closest family members (except her brother and sister-in-law who had gone back to Toronto a few days earlier). It couldn't have been better for Judith or for the four of us.

She slipped away without pain.

We all believe her dad was holding her other hand.

But our pain is almost unbearable, even though we've had 16 months knowing this event was inevitable.

We spent a long time afterwords holding Judith's fragile shell, and trying to comfort each other. It was a special time that none of us will forget.

Her funeral will be at 3:00 PM on Sunday, January 25th at Mount Sinai Memorial Park, 5950 Forest Lawn Drive, Los Angeles 90068. (In the San Fernando Valley).

Shiva minyans will be held each night Sunday through Thursday at our home at 1459 Chastain Parkway West, Pacific Palisades, CA. 90272.

I cannot tell you how much I miss her.

WES (aka Wesley Bilson)

Judith Wolfe Bilson

February 21, 1949 - January 22, 2009

I THINK OF JUDITH AS SHE SLIPS INTO A COMA

JUDITH  STANDING BY A POOL

FILLED WITH CANDLES

AT DUSK

IN BALI

 

THERE'S JUDITH ON THE FLOOR, PLAYING

       READING TO GRANDCHILDREN

AT SUNDOWN IN CAPETOWN.  HIKING IN HORNBY, BIKING IN IRELAND.

And there she lies, her breathing shallow.  Her eyes half open, half closed,

          

        not really seeing. Not knowing.

Breaking our hearts.

SURFING IN HAWAII.  DANCING IN SPAIN. TAKING IN ITALY. WEEPING IN ISRAEL.  HOME. TREKKING IN EGYPT.  SHOWING THIS WONDROUS WORLD TO GREG AND JESS, AND SEEING IT THROUGH THEIR YOUNG EYES. 

                            CRUISING, CRUISING.  EVERYWHERE.  

NOW. . . .Nowhere.

      Where are your headed my darling wife?

WES (aka the vigilant one)

TO EVERY THING THERE'S A SEASON

A time to live.

A time to die.



Judith decided some time ago that:

• we would all discuss life and death issues openly
• that we would all follow Judith's wishes as to her treatment
• that she would let us know when her quality of life was too impaired by her pain
• and finally that she would tell us when she wanted to stop her active treatment and achieve a painless, peaceful and dignified passing

She made that decision today.

JUDITH TELLS US THAT SHE HAS SAID ALL SHE WANTS TO SAY, SEEN ALL THE VISITORS THAT SHE CAN HANDLE, WRITTEN ALL SHE CARES TO WRITE

HUGGED HER LAST HUG

TASTED HER LAST TASTE

SEEN HER LAST MOVIE


KISSED HER LAST KISS.



She wants to be sedated and prepare to greet her father on the other side.

We, her family, are full of sorrow, terror, relief for her, and respect for her brave decisions.

WES (aka the messenger)

A MEANINGFUL VISIT

         Judith's older twin brother 

         David arrived Thursday and 

         was joined by his wife Joanne

         Saturday.

 The weather continued balmy

         and much of the time before

         they left Monday was spent by

         the pool.

        This is them.

Upon David and Jo's departure, Judith got extremely weak and tired, and is spending her time resting.  We are deeply sorry that so many close friends and family cannot visit at this time, but we hope you understand.

WES (aka the "doorman")

        

ERROR-ERROR-ERROR

Boy, am I dumb....

Doug Aberg, the GREAT, TERRIFIC, DEDICATED R.N. that has been so wonderful to us, parted company with his employer a couple of weeks ago and I said he had been terminated.

This turns out not to be true.

I'm a jerk.

Forgive me Doug.

WES (aka the embarrassed one)

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

HALLUCINATIONS AND PARANOIA ARE SYMPTOMS OF CANCER THAT ARE EXPECTED AT THIS STAGE OF THE DISEASE.

WE ARE TOLD THAT AS TIME GOES ON IT GETS WORSE.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUDITH GOT EXTREMELY AGITATED AND PARANOID, MAKING NO SENSE AND SCARING THE HELL OUT OF BOTH OF US.

I HELD BACK TEARS AS I ADMINISTERED YET ANOTHER NEW, STRONG (ANTI-HALLUCINATORY) DRUG, HELD HER TIGHT AND REASSURED HER, AND GOT HER BACK TO SLEEP.

CANCER IS A FORMIDABLE ADVISORY.

WES (aka the night watchman)

SUR-REALITY

For the past few days Judith and I have sat for many hours in our beautiful back yard, looking out at the hills and ocean, with Catalina Island rising from the sea in the background. Sailboats gliding on the water. Her mom doing exercises in our pool.

We discuss end of life issues and raise questions with Doug, the hospice nurse and close family members.

The 80 degree weather and the pictures of snow and ice seem like a metaphor: we bask in the warm air and soothing breezes while watching most of the country in snow - a virtual deep freeze.

Our lived life seems real. The talk of death sur-real, just like the TV pictures of the freezing weather beyond our sight.

And so another heartbreaking day is past.

WES (aka your real surreal servant)

THURSDAY

Judith's brother David arrived today, and Judith perked up considerably.

WES (aka your faithful airport shuttle driver)

TORONTO TO L.A.

I called Judith's brother David in Toronto and asked him if he could come earlier to be with Judith.

He moved his arrival from Saturday to Thursday.

WES (aka your Air Canada L.A. agent)

UPDATE

JUDITH IS GETTING WEAKER AND SICKER.

WE ARE RESTRICTING VISITORS.

JUDITH, HER MOM GERRY, JESSICA, GREG AND I SEEM TO BE ENVELOPED IN A CLOUD OF LOVE COMING TO US FROM ALL OF YOU.

G-D BLESS.

WES (aka your Palisades rep)

WHAT EXACTLY IS A "PLAN-IS-STAN" ?

Many of my readers have commented on the amazing Stan, the UCLA Home Infusion Pharmacist.

If I attempted to describe  all  the wonderful attention he gives Judith (and me), it would make your head swim.

Well folks, this is "Stan the Man"

Stan Kitazawa, Pharm.D.

Right now he is working with Doug Aberg, hospice RN, trying hard to find a solution to Judith's nausea.

But let me back up a bit.

We spent the time to find just the right hospice for us, based on another great person - Doug Aberg, RN.  We came to respect his dedication and knowledge, and we finally felt secure in having a real manager on the scene.  We all grew to love each other.

And then -- disaster!  Doug's corporate office abruptly terminated his employment last week (he was the boss of the local office).

Unbelievably, Doug turned around and offered his services to us "24/7" on a volunteer basis.

And he has been doing just that.  We talk many times a day and he visits frequently.  And he won't even discuss remuneration.

Right now he and Stan have tried two powerful drugs to combat the nausea.  One didn't work and the other had intolerable side effects.  So the two of them are working to find something that will do the trick.

In the midst of all of our bad luck, heros like Doug and Stan appear.  We do have blessings.

-------------------------

Judith had a wonderful visit with her Australian friends, and an emotional, tearful goodbye.  All this proved extremely taxing on her, and she is weak.  She spent most of the day sleeping.

For the first time she described herself as feeling "sick".

We're pretty sure that she will feel better with a few days of total rest.  She is looking forward to another visit from her brother this coming weekend.

And, oh yes, I went to the doctor today about my cold.  I have a slight case of pneumonia. 

WES (aka the masked, coughing freak)

A LONG, MISERABLE NIGHT CREATED "POETRY"

The devil laughed
The angels swooned
'cause even BOTH nurses
couldn't tame the damn wound.


The trouble was with
Judith's nausea
Which to the dressing
was a troublesome causia.


We ran out of dressings
A panic ensued
Because it was Sunday
we knew we were screwed.


At the same time Obama
is eying Afghanistan,
Wes calls the pharmacy
hoping for a plan-is-STAN.


Our guests are still here,
that's Dorian and Lizzie,
They've witnessed first hand
what creates such a tizzy.


But what was the problem?
What created this mess?
A midwest snowstorm
put UPS to the test.


No supplies for the wound.
The situation got hyper.
We searched for an answer.
We can't use a diaper. . .


Did I worry? Did I sweat?
Did I panic? Did I fuss?
This wasn't the first time
I've seen blood and puss.


All the night I DID worry
The hallways to roam.
The final solution,
was writing this poem.

WES (aka the poor man's nurse/poet)

THE ARRIVAL OF RE-ENFORCMENTS PAGE 1

I HAVE BEEN REALLY SICK FOR A FEW DAYS, AND SCARED TO BE NEAR JUDITH FOR FEAR OF INFECTION.

OUR SON GREG HAS BEEN HERE GIVING JUDITH TREATMENTS AND INJECTIONS, AND NOW FURTHER RE-ENFORCEMENTS HAVE ARRIVED FROM SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA.

LIZ (LIZZIE) HAS BEEN A CLOSE FRIEND OF JUDITH'S FOR OVER 30 YEARS, AND CAME FROM SYDNEY LAST SUMMER FOR 10 DAYS TO HELP.  NOW SHE IS HERE WITH HER HUSBAND DORIEN, WHO IS A PHYSICIAN, AND IS ALSO HELPING WITH JUDITH'S CARE.

IN ADDITION, THEY BOTH GIVE JUDITH MESSAGES, SOMETIMES TOGETHER (SEE POSTING  BELOW).

JUDITH IS STILL STRUGGLING WITH SOME PAIN AND CONSTANT NAUSEA, WHICH WE ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

IN THE MEANTIME, LOVE POURS IN -- IN BUCKETFULS.  IF I TRIED TO LIST ALL THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE THAT BRING THEIR LOVE TO JUDITH,  THIS BLOG WOULD END UP BEING LIKE THOSE LONG BORING CHRISTMAS LETTERS THAT SOME PEOPLE SEND.  YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW (OR CARE) ABOUT WHOM THEY'RE TALKING.  I'M TRYING TO AVOID THAT.

DON'T FORGET TO LOOK AT THE FOLLOWING ENTRY.

WES (aka the brief one)

THE ARRIVAL OF RE-ENFORCMENTS PAGE 2

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY

Although it seems counter-intuitive, during a visit today from a rabbinical intern from UCLA , Judith discovered that she has been having a great deal of difficulty with many of the positive messages that she has been receiving from friends and family. She hears "you are the bravest person I know" as a challenge that she has to be brave. She hears "I admire you for being so strong" as a "should" that she must live up to,etc. She realizes that she has felt a great weight on her to be those traits that everyone is describing to her.

We told her that she doesn't need to carry those burdens -- the illness and her pain are enough. . . This seemed to be a great relief.

Speaking of pain, so far the infusion pump she carries all day is working like a charm. She slept through the night for the first time in a while, and her mind seems clearer than when I was giving her the morphine injections. She reports far less pain.

Keep the faith.

WES (aka the night walker)

A TOUGH FEW DAYS

Judith has been on lots of different medications (principally IV Hydromorphone) to attempt to deal with the pain caused by the distention in her abdomen caused by the tumor mass. Although the morphene works for a while after administered, nothing really has done the trick. So the hospice nurse, in conjunction with Stan (if you don't know who Stan is - see previous blogs), is obtaining a pump that Judith will wear that will give her a constant flow of pain meds, and which she can prompt to give her additional relief by pushing a button on the pump if needed.

We are hoping that this will do the trick, and give her some greatly needed relief, but we worry that it might cause her to sleep even more during the day.

It's not too much fun at our house these days.

WES (aka the pumpmeister)

A TOUGH WEEKEND

JUDITH'S ONCOLOGIST MADE IT PLAIN TO ME OVER A YEAR AGO THAT THE MOST THREATENING THING FOR JUDITH WOULD BE TO GET AN INFECTION.

WE THEREFOR HAVE BEEN SCREENING VISITORS, MAKING SURE THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING CONTAGIOUS, AND ASKING THEM TO WASH THEIR HANDS WHEN THEY ENTER THE HOUSE.

FOR 15 MONTHS BOTH JUDITH'S MOTHER AND I HAVE AVOIDED GETTING COLDS OR FLU -- 'TIL THIS WEEKEND, WHEN MY CHEST GOT CONGESTED AND MY VOICE RASPY.

TROUBLE IS, JUDITH'S MEDICATION ROUTINE GOES ON ALL DAY (AND NIGHT) AND I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO ALL THAT.

SO I'M KEEPING MY DISTANCE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, WEARING GLOVES AND A MASK WHEN GIVING JUDITH TREATMENTS, AND SLEEPING ELSEWHERE (BUT "ON CALL").

WEEKENDS ARE TIMES FILLED WITH FRIENDS AND MOVIES, AS WAS THIS WEEKEND. I DID HAVE TO CANCEL SOME VISITS SUNDAY, BECAUSE JUDITH WAS NOT FEELING WELL.

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF PAIN MEDICATION. HOPEFULLY WE WILL GET MORE MONDAY MORNING.

EVEN WITH ALL THIS, JUDITH (AND I) ARE FULLY AWARE OF THE LOVE THAT POURS IN ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. IT SUSTAINS US BOTH.

WES (aka the masked man)

Happy Anniversary -------NOT!

This is the first of the month. A couple of anniversaries.

15 months since October 1, 2007, when Judith had her first surgery and was diagnosed with cancer of the small bowel.

6 months since June 1, 2008, when the chemotherapy first failed, and her second surgery was unsuccessful, the gastronomy tube was installed, the wound site was created, and Judith was told she could no longer eat or drink anything.

As for right now, we are still experimenting with pain relief regimens. Today we started steroids, hoping that it will ease the abdominal discomfort. We'll see the hospice nurse tomorrow and see how it's working.

The year has been pretty uncomfortable for Judith -- and it's less than 24 hours old!

More later.

WES (aka the diaper baby 2009)

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THIS PICTURE?

This photo is of Judith 

and her dad taken a

few years ago in happier

times.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

from Judith, Wesley,

Greg  and Jessica Bilson

and Gerry Wolfe.